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Happy Wednesday everyone. So ICYMI That’s short for in case you missed it. Does that help? Okay, fuck everyone. President Biden threw an inflation-cutting party yesterday. But maybe you had something more fun to do, like stick a hedge trimmer in your rectum. Do not judge.
He kept it on the White House lawn because he couldn’t remember where the front door was, and this way he wouldn’t pee on the carpets. Moreover, that lawn can always use some extra fertilizer. Now he threw this party even when inflation reached 8.3%. His staff wanted to cancel, but Jill had already told Joe there would be balloons, clouds, and a pony. But it felt like they were throwing a surprise birthday party for a corpse and then staring at that corpse for 25 minutes.
CNN CUT COVER OF INFLATION LOWERING BIDEN ACT SPEECH AS DOW PLUMMETS: ‘DIFFICULT TO BE PARTY’
It’s funny, most memorials never make you wonder, “when is this stuff going to end?” And really, is the economy something Joe should be celebrating? It’s like having the Washington Generals parade after a season of playing the Harlem Globetrotters. Hooray, we went zero and eighty-two. It’s like Alec Baldwin gives himself a 10 for marksmanship. What, did something happen? It’s like Brian Kilmeade is throwing a book party for himself. And it always sucks when reality rains down on your fantasy.
As Biden bragged about his fake performance, the stock market sank faster than Joe’s nose into a nearby ponytail. The Dow fell 1,200 points. That’s one of the biggest drops since Joy Behar tried to sit in a beanbag chair. Food prices keep going up, houses are drying up and yet Joe keeps pushing us like we’re a boy fart. You know, we used to like those. Anyway, his first mistake, inviting a newcomer to today’s music scene, James Taylor, to open the festivities. Here’s a clip.
Oh, stop it, it wasn’t that bad. Let’s try again.
Oh, he’s really old and not in a good way. Like a bag of cabbage buried in the backyard. So old Joe asked Taylor to start with a song called “The Fire and Rain”, which is also how Hunter describes the feeling when he pees. That is it. That’s the joke of the evening. Apparently it’s about suicide and heroin addiction though, which makes sense, suicide and addiction are two things that have done well under Joe. But perhaps the message is, “yes, times are tough under Biden, but it could be worse.” You may be forced to listen to that song forever. That will have you reaching for the pills or throwing yourself on the sharp end of Joe’s catheter.
But I don’t blame the White House for taking Taylor. Joe originally asked for Sinatra and before that Glenn Miller. Sadly, everyone Joe has heard of has died or been killed by Hillary. But shouldn’t you think? Shouldn’t you think about what’s on your mind at that moment?
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Think about what you would be thinking about at that moment. Think about how you would feel if you didn’t have the insurance and didn’t have the money. It’s wrong. It’s not who we are, and we’re going to fix that.
Joe, do us a favor. Please stop fixing things. It’s not your forte. I mean, you’re less helpful than a homeless guy trying to wipe your windshield with a bottle of urine. Shout out to Jimmy Failla, but at least America’s soul is alive.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: The soul of America is alive. America’s future is bright and America’s promise is real. It is real. It is real.
Yes. Be suspicious if a politician refers to your soul. Bad leaders rely on abstract concepts when they can’t pinpoint concrete successes. Leave my soul out of it. What about gas prices, the war, crime? But I think making progress in any country is big and complicated, just like ours.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Making progress in any country as large and complex as ours is difficult. It’s not easy, and it never has been.
So that’s your excuse. It is difficult. Well, I hate to tell you, sports, it’s your job and everyone before you has done better. I wonder if that’s an applause rule.
NANCY PELOSI: Me, that’s a line of applause.
RUBIO RIFFS ON BIDEN’S INFLATION PARTY: ‘I’M SUBSCRIBE TO JAMES TAYLOR’
It’s so cute when the brain closes the horns with the botox. But talk about bad timing, a round of victory over inflation when the inflation numbers come out. It feels like Joe leads the band that plays on the Titanic, just like he did in 1912. He performs like a demented birthday clown, as staffers are forced to pretend they’re there of their own free will. Of course, the White House is touting falling gas prices, which is what happens when people stop buying gas because it’s too high and you’re responsible for them rising in the first place. He’s like the man who sets his neighbor’s house on fire and then wants to be called a hero for saving their cat. Speaking of gaslight.
Gas prices go up if you buy it and gas prices go down if you don’t buy it. I’ll call it a catch 22, which is also the expected number of times Joe will get COVID in January. Food is up by 13.5%, electricity is up by 15.8% and rents are up by 7%, health insurance is up 24%. But ask KJP, I wonder if she will say that prices in our country have been pretty much flat for the past two years, months.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: Prices in our country have remained virtually the same over the past two months.
Mmm. Yes, just like a scan of your brain. I’d call her a puppet, but I don’t want to get hate mail from Miss Piggy. The fact is, we knew inflation would come after all government spending, but what we didn’t expect was that they would say that more government spending would solve the problems caused by government spending. And now the cancellation of Biden’s student loan, it’s going to cost us another half a trillion.
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So while families use up their savings for life’s basic necessities, Joe rescues gender studies graduates who forgo loans they’ve agreed to pay. He rewards the least earning by punishing those who have paid their debts. That will only drive prices up. But Joe doesn’t care. He threw a party for himself. And Joe will use any excuse to cut cake or the cheese. So obvious, I wonder what Joe has to say.