GREG GUTFELD: If you live in Washington, DC, you’re screwed

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Happy Wednesday, it really is a wonderful Wednesday. Well, unless you live in Washington, DC, you’re screwed. I mean, in a near-unanimous move, councilors in the nation’s capital voted to soften sentences for violent crimes, including carjacking, murder and assault. The advantage? Well now [that] the courts will not deal with violent offenders, they can be free to prosecute gas oven owners, and it’s about time. The revision of the city’s Penal Code includes lowered maximum sentences and the abolition of nearly all mandatory minimum sentences. This is crazy. There are also provisions allowing violent criminals to apply for parole 20 years after serving their sentence. You know, in case they were too stupid to demand that they go to the women’s prison. Grow your hair, for God’s sake.

So if you’re in a drug cartel, that migrant bus that takes you to DC might not be such a bad idea after all. They initially approved this code in November, but Democratic Mayor Muriel Bowser vetoed it. Listen.

MAYOR MURIEL BOWSER: Whenever there is a policy that reduces penalties, I think it sends the wrong message… It’s the wrong way.

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Wow, her insurance must have approved stem cell treatments because it sounds like she finally got a brain. Maybe she can lend it to our president over the weekend.

But this is the same lady behind the creation of BLM Plaza. TripAdvisor says it’s one of the ten best streets to beat on a budget. My point is that you can fool her with a card trick. It’s true she vetoed giving criminals free reign in the city, but last I checked, criminals weren’t exactly being sent to their rooms without food. She was overruled this week by the council, who claim they don’t hand out harsh punishments anyway, so let’s get rid of them. So the pronunciation might make her look moderate, but in reality she’s just as crazy as she is. Here’s how one councilor tried to twist it.

COUNCIL ASSISTANT CHARLES ALLEN: Well, it doesn’t make the punishment any less. It’s in line with what the court is handing out… What people are looking at is in DC’s Penal Code, many, many years ago something was added that added the possible maximum to 40 years in prison for armed robbery of a car. That’s not something the courts ever hand out.

You know, I speak English and a little Spanish, but my Rosetta Stone classes weren’t about stupidity. If someone here can explain to me what he just said, I’ll give you a foot massage and a lollipop right here and now, Tyrus.

TYRUS: I don’t want those things, I’m just going to keep it to myself.

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Okay. But this is punishment for armed carjacking, not overdue Blockbuster video tapes. They should all get the maximum of 40 years. Same punishment they used on Blockbuster Video.

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BROADCASTING: Attention “Gutfeld!” writers.

Mayor Muriel Bowser speaks at a press conference.

Mayor Muriel Bowser speaks at a press conference.
(TBEN Photo/Jacquelyn Martin, File)

Okay, to the person who wrote this Blockbuster joke, what year do you think it is? Blockbuster’s last store closed in 2019, let’s try to keep the references to things that actually exist. You know, like kiss my grits and who shot JR? I get that one. Anyway, if these politicians are so concerned about protecting armed carjackers, at least change the name to unscheduled hitchhikers. Violent criminals have feelings too. So why this change? I mean, look at the stats on carjackings in DC alone. They’ve skyrocketed in the past five years, from 148 in 2018 to 485 last year, which is one for every Twinkie Ana Navarro ate in that same time.

TYRUS: Damn.

Has anything been done to stop this? No, they actually do the opposite. Apparently, awake politicians only care about stolen cars if they still run on gas. So since you’re a “Gutfeld!” viewer, you are smart and ask yourself: “self, then why would the city government want to reduce the penalties for a crime that is exploding?” And because you’re a ‘Gutfeld!’ viewer, and you’re smart, your answer would be, “because they’re retarded.”

announcer: Urgently, a “Gutfeld!” apology.

My apologies for using a word normally used to describe the cast of ‘The View’. But you have to wonder why they would relax the sentences for violent crimes. Well, it’s all about criminal reparations. Apparently we need to lower the penalties for violent crime to make up for years of oppression. You see, criminals are the victims and they deserve compensation for making them criminals. Of course, it’s racist to assume that blacks or any minority would say, “wow, thanks, guys. You know, I wasn’t about to carjack anyone, but maybe now,” because apparently there are only minority criminals . and not minority victims.

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The DC Attorney General doesn’t even hide it, tweeting, “Reforms to DC’s 122-year-old penal code — passed before women and black residents enjoyed fundamental rights — are desperately needed. This bill will improve public safety and provide long-overdue clarity. and fairness in our legal system.” I’m sure those words will be a comfort at the funeral when a black or Hispanic parent buries their child who was killed in front of their Nissan. See, it’s not about safety, it’s about retroactive equity. If they were victims in the past, you will be victims now in the future.

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In fact, the new Penal Code will not enter into force until October 2025. So if you live in Washington, DC, get in your car now instead of a hearse later.